Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm

Christmas is coming.

I can feel it in my bones. That and because the long-range forecast for this weekend calls for the possibility of snow flurries.

You know what it means to Vancouverites if it snows even the tiniest amount?

• Drive faster than you would normally because that’s what that big old honking SUV you bought is supposed to be used for.
• Make u-turns in the middle of the street.
• Wait until 2 minutes before you start work and then call in to say you can’t make it in to work because of the snow.
• Don’t shovel anything; the rain will wash it away in a day or so anyway.
• Make a snowman — actually, you can usually make a snowball but if you put a twig in the ball it kind of looks like a blob with a stick for a nose.
• Wear leather-soled shoes so you can slip and fall and maybe knock down two or three old ladies.
• Don’t wear gloves or mitts, wipe your running nose on the sleeve of your jacket and then touch every doorknob, handrail, and/or piece of fruit at Safeway.
• Tell everyone, “at least you don’t have to shovel it” — ooops, that would be what to say when it’s raining here all winter!
• Complain how cold it is when the temperature hits that all time low of -1C.

For those of you who get grumpy at the thought of snow and/or Christmas, here’s some tips for you:

Seven Ways To Be Really Annoying at Christmas:

1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing “All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth…”
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem: “You have been naughty, and here’s the scoop All you get is the snowman’s poop!”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006 at 3:28:30 AM and is filed under JOURNAL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.