Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm

Me and my feet. I’m telling you. They are ugly and now I have all these problems.

For some of you, this might be too much information, so skip this entry.

I had just comfortably settled down on the toilet, coffee table deluxe book in hand. This may be gross to some of you, but I love my toilet - especially the toilet seat. It is just the right height. I don’t feel like I’m squatting nor do I feel like I’m perched with just my tippy toes balancing me. The seat itself fits so well one would think it was custom made for my skinny white ass.

There I was. Sitting contentedly. I flipped a page of the illustrated book, then I flipped to the next page, read all the text surrounding the photo, then flipped to the next page. I felt this sit down was going to be one where time just flew by.

Segue interruptis: Do men like to read on the can more than women do? I don’t know but from my unscientific questioning of friends, it seems so.

Whenever I lose track of time during a sit down, my legs go to sleep. But this was different.

I hadn’t been sitting that long. I snapped the book shut so quickly the sound reverberated off the ceramic bathroom tiles.

My right foot was tingling, vibrating, and pulsing. Last December I had actually been electrocuted when my watch touched a live wire whose cap had come off when we were repairing the electric baseboard heaters in the living room. That tiny jolt of electricity blew me backwards onto my butt.

Maybe that’s why I was startled by this sit-down incident. My foot must have remembered what my left hand had experienced as it started to twitch and I started to sweat.

But it stopped suddenly. Fearing that I’d fall on my face when I got up, I took my time tidying myself and putting my book down on the floor. I tested my foot before I stood. All seemed well.

I walked to the sink, washed my hands thoroughly and stared at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t anywhere near an electric outlet. I hadn’t dropped my hair dryer into a sink full of water. I hadn’t heard of electric eels cruising the Vancouver sewer lines recently (or was that alligators, I can’t remember). I chalked it up to one of those mysterious unsolved mysteries.

Ten minutes later, I felt the same pulsing, tingling vibration in my left groin area. My cell phone, set on extra loud vibration mode, was calling to my private parts. The same vibration alert the phone had sent to my left foot when my pants were around my ankles. Unsolved mystery solved.

Don’t laugh. This could happen to you to. Think of it as a helpful reminder when your foot vibrates the next time you’re sitting on the can.

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 25th, 2004 at 7:25:24 PM and is filed under JOURNAL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.